A week without Facebook

Have you heard of the Artist Way?  I'm going to sound weird and cult-y for a minute, but it kind of is weird and cult-y, so go with it.  The Artist Way is this philosopy slash spiritual system to help blocked artists unblock.  Using things like the Morning Pages, and Artist Dates, as well as tasks, it kind of forces you to face the reasons that you're blocked and work (really WORK) to tear down those walls.  And you confront some...stuff.  Childhood stuff, college stuff...  stuff.  It really makes you confront your blocks as an artist.  It's awesome, and terrifying at the same time. 

One of the main processes of AW is the morning pages.  Oh my various gods the morning pages.  Three pages of absolute stream of consiousness every day.  Let me tell you, getting used to them SUUUUUUUCKS!!  But honestly, once you are used to them, you have to do them every day.  I actually get uncomfortable and disoriented if I don't write them every day.  The notebook stays right on my bedside table, so I write first thing in the morning, right after i put on my glasses.  I've taken my morning pages notebooks with me to Viking encampments, stays with friends at renfairs, everywhere.  It's cathartic.  Julia Cameron  (the author of the book) calls them "brain drain", but I call them "brain vomit".  Getting it all out there on the page so it's over and done with.

And let me tell you, I have worked through some major poo-doo on those pages. 

But that's not what Im going to talk about today. 

A week or so ago was the "no reading" week.  Doesn't seem so difficult does it?  Well let me tell you, it is hard.  And I took it a step further.  Now, I don't read the newspaper, and I can't even tell you when I was last able to just pick up a book.  So I gave up social media for 7 days.  And it was a life changer.  You really don't realize how much time is wasted on Facebook.

Day 1 I got off work, got groceries, mealprepped, and cooked 10 days worth of food.

Day 2 I cleaned the entire house. 

Day 3 was my day off, and I spend most of it bumming around with my bestie.  We went to a pretty cool coffee shop and a couple of magickal stores.  At the coffee shop I got to talking to the staff and showed them some of my artwork.  And they loved it!  so on...

Day 4 I dropped off three of my larger pieces to Caffine Dreams to be displayed there.  It's a really awesome venu, and my stuff is right by their amazing corner fireplace.  It looks phenom.

Day 5 thru 7  I seriously don't even remember what I did, I just know it was actually STUFF instead of sitting on the couch scrolling through memes and gifs.  Wait, there was quite a bit of subversive cross stitch in that time frame...

And you know what?  I didnt really miss Facebook.  It sucked away so much of my time.  I took it off my tablet compleetly.  And while I kept it on my phone, I hid the icon so that I'm not just clicking it to click, you know?  I've been keeping up that "media blackout" momentum too.  Housework has been easier, not so rushed.  Even prepping meals is becomming part of my everyweek routine, which of course steamrolls into making my home time easier.  Win/win.

Am I going to give it up forever?  No.  I get about 90% of my art shows from Facebook via Art Pop! and the pop up shows they curate (an awesome group of artists to work with by the way).  But I see myself using FB a lot less in the weeks since the "blackout", and then mostly for pictures of Bam and which Stranger Things kid I was.  (don't ask, I'm not happy with the Barb-rific result).  I'll fully admit, I love the rush of dopamine that I get when I see notifications and likes, but I know I can live without them.  And can live happly without them. 

Pintrest, however, you will take from my cold dead hands. 

10-15-17

this faire season is over for us.  i'm a little sad at that.  this was the most amazing season to date.  i worked a booth at KCRF.  we slept in period viking tents through a massive thunderstorm.  Mark unvailed the super secret costume much to the delight of our pirate family.   

the booth i worked at was Goldtooth's pottery.  He's been a staple at KCRF for longer than we've been going there.  i'm a huge fan of his work, and can honestly say that i use one of his mugs at least once a day.  The collection that Mark and I have amassed is truely...  massive.  my favorites are the jars he makes.  They're perfect for spices, though honestly I keep black salt, hot foot powder, and graveyard dirt in mine.  (yeah, like you're shocked)  This was their last season at the faire, as Capt Ron is moving on to teaching.  I WILL take his classes some day.  Hopefully if he offers them again in January.  I'll trade days away if i need to.  It was an honor to help him and Iris out, making their last year as successful as possible.   Next year the booth will belong to my friend Woody, who is an AMAZING woodworker (he's very well named).  I've already offered to work at his booth every day I'm at the faire next year.  So apparently I have a job lined up. 

The Mr Gibbs costume was a suprise to almost everyone.  Honestly only me, Mark, and three other people knew, and that was to make sure the logistics of getting everyone in the same place at the same time for the unveiling.  There's a video floating around of Mark walking in as Gibbs surrounded by the Whores.  The faces on Greg and Chip are priceless.  I thought Greg was going to die of laughter. 

Worth every penny we spent on the costume, and then me recreating the costume because it wasn't up to my standards.  Seriously, the origional pants were too distressed, the waistcoat was the wrong color and cut alltogehter, the shirt was too flouncy...  there were a meriod of problems with the costume.  But me, being who I am, just remade the whole damn thing.  There will be changes to the costume for next season though.  Even my work can be improved upon.  The pants for example, will need to be remade.  Canvas is an unforgiving mistress. 

The highlight of the Gibbs reveal was when Kevin McNally (the actor that plays Mr Gibbs himself) got to see the costue via Facetime.   I never had a prouder moment as a costumer as when he gave Mark a thumbs up.  Seriously had to remind myself to breathe.  Several other people reminded me to breathe too.  I honestly didn't realize I had been holding my breath. 

In between weeks at KCRF, we spent a weekend with the Olskapan Vikings at Riverssance in Sioux City, Ia.  We helped build the period Viking tents from start to finish, and they were amazing.  I loved every second of it.  Even sleeping through a MASSIVE thunderstorm was amazing.  Lightning strikes a mere hundred yards from where we were sleeping, the wind causing the tents to creek and sway, making sounds like we were on a boat.  Not to mention sleeping in a bed covered in a bear fur.  Amazballs.  I even got to play as Volva for the weekend, doing rune readings and keeping the fire going.  I swear I smelled of wood smoke for a solid week, reguardless of how many showers I took. 

like i said, im sorry it's over.  i wish every day could be as amazing as the faire.  but, alas, real life creeps in.  i am not a fan. 

Spiritual House Cleansing

Spiritual house cleansing.

Halloween is tomorrow.  The darkest night.  The time when the vale between the worlds is the thinnest (the other being Beltane).  Our ancestors believed this was the time when the dead walked the earth.  Who’s to say their wrong? 

This year, 2016 (HORRIBLE year so far, but I digress), Halloween also falls on a New Moon.  The dark time of the month.  So yeah, extra spooky.  I’ve scored the day off tomorrow, so I’ll be spending the time that Bam is in school cleaning and smudging the house, sweeping the floors and smoking the air.  Getting all the negative energy out of the house. 

Sweeping is something I’ve always done to get rid of negative energy in the house.  When it’s done with intention, sweeping gets all the staleness and “bad juju” out.  I do it when I’m angry, or when there’s a presence in my house that I don’t want there.  Follow that up with a good smudging and some Florida water, and your house is spiritually clean.  I’m guessing on the Florida water, I’ve never made it myself, but I’ve heard it does wonders.

It’s always a good idea to do a bit of spiritual house cleaning at each of the holidays, be them religious or secular.  I’ll probably do the same thing at Thanksgiving this year.  Again at Yule.  And any other time I feel the house needs it.  You know how sometimes you walk into your house and it just doesn’t feel like “home”?  Yeah, then.

And personally, I’m not to keen on leaving all that negative energy in the house when walls between worlds is so delicate.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about ancestors, but energy attracts energy, and the less bad around my house, the less bad gets attracted.  I’m all about a harmonious home. 

I did get my garden taken down this year, and I have four or five small smudge sticks drying now, and one giant one for the fire pit or camping, I haven’t decided yet.  If I do have a fire pit going tomorrow, one of last years smudge sticks will go in that.  Of course this all depends on what time trick or treating is done. 


Priorities. 

The House Of Bear and Raven Update

It’s fall.  My favorite time of year.  But it means that there’s a lot of work to do around the Bear and Raven house.  From winterizing our hundred year old windows to cleaning up the yard so I don’t have to shovel leaves as well as snow.  But the thing I’m most excited about is getting my sage up and in bundles.  I love my Russian Sage.  As soon as it flowers in the summer, it’s awash with bumble bees, and they fly all over the yard.  I love bees.  Love them.  Anyway. 

Every year when I start on the yard, the sage is the first thing I do.  It’s a long involved process, but it’s a lot of fun.  I cut the plant down to just above the ground, then take the branches, cut them down to about forearm length, and tie them into bundles to dry.  Once the bundles are dried, they make amazing smudge sticks.  I usually throw a couple in the fire pit whenever we have it going. 

And we’re probably going to be doing that quite a lot this fall (being responsible sucks so much, and fire pits are free).  Thankfully I have some still left from last year so I won’t have to wait for them to dry.  I should have a lot bundled up this year, my plants kind of exploded in their little witchy garden.  My Lemon Balm too, though I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do with that.  Probably make bundles of that too.

With the crisper weather I’ve already made Witches Brew a couple of times this year, and to be honest, it’s pretty damn amazing when you add rum.  That of course is on a glass by glass basis.  I fully plan on making a huge batch of that for Thanksgiving this year.  I’m thinking of planning a really big HUGE meal this year and inviting friends as well.  It’ll be awesome. 

With Mark breaking his leg this spring, we haven’t spent any time at all in the back yard this year, and I want to remedy that this fall.  Cut the grass, lay down more pavers for a nice little patio.  Eventually get rid of the deck we made the year we moved in.  Another long term project is to have Bam help us build a new altar in the back yard as part of his Service to God badge in Cub Scouts.  There’s a little hill by the pear trees in the back that would be a great place for it.  His Cub Scout Pack has made it clear that all religions are welcome, but I’m pretty sure we may be pushing it with …  us.  Not my intention, but we have to be true to ourselves, right?  Right.

We have a two week vacation coming up this month, and were going to spend it for the most part working around the house.  Pretty much all of the plans we set down to do for our ten year anniversary (oh yeah, it’s our ten year anniversary this month) have fallen through.  We MIGHT go camping.  But that would only be an overnight thing.

Eventually I’d like to do a whole big yearly camping trip every fall.  Mark spent a day with some Viking reenactors, and they had these AMAZING tents that I’d just love to have.  I’m hoping that I get to go too next time they’re in the area.  From the pictures he took, it was an awesome time.  But I’d love to do a big Viking camping trip.  Period tents, cooking over a fire, no electronics.  Sounds like bliss to me.  I’m seriously getting burned out at work, and I need some time to get away.  Between work and getting ready for another solo show in December, I’m burning the candle at both ends.  It’s starting to take a toil. 

Perspective

My step daughter is a Junior this year.  which means that next year she is a senior.  which means the next year, she is a college student.  you know, if that's what she wants to do.  personaly i'm not a big fan of college.  i went.  it was ok.  it's just that i don't really see any kind of return on that investment, you know.  but then again, the degree i persued was theater and art.  unless you're one of the golden chosen, there's not a lot you can do with that.  i would be just as happy if my children went into the militairy or a trade school.  learn something useful, you know?  digressing.  she's picked out the school she wants to go to, and of course i immedietly did a google search for rape statistics on that campus.

please read that sentance again. 

one more time.

she told me the school of her choice, and unstead of loooking into how long of a drive it is, campus activities, or anything to do with her major, what is the first thing i look up?  rape statistics.  because as much as i love my step daghter and trust her in all her decisions, i know the likelyhood of her being raped is greater in her freshman year of college than any other time in her life. 

this is a problem people.  one that isn't going away.  i've armed her as well as i can.  i've given her the speaches, i've drilled "my body my choice" into her squishy developing brain.  i've tried to give her as much healthy self esteem as i possibly can.  i've taught her when to fight and when to run away.  how to hold her keys so they are wolverene claws.  i've prepared her.

and it has pissed me off.  There should be no reason that i should be telling her how to avoid being raped.  i should be telling her how to sew her own clothes.  how to use a jackhammer.  how to shred on air guitar.  not how to avoid a brutal assault.  not how to stop someone from breaking her, completely, inside and out. 

but it has dawned on me that while the problem is massive, i am in a unique position to be  part of the solution as well.  i have a 5 year old son, most of you know him.  when we go over his sight words and alphabet each night, there are a few phrases that work their way into the mix.  "no means no", "your body your choice".  things like that.  we talk about how it's never ok to hit.  to keep our hands to ourselves.  that everything diserves respect, no matter what.  and shouldn't everybody follow the same rules?  if we teach an entire generation something as simple as "everything diserves respect", how much will that change the world? 

Open letter to everyone

A lot of things have happened lately. Globally, nationally, locally, etc.  Bit of good. Bit of bad.  Bit of both.  And like everything through time everyone has an opinion.  I'll save you mine because it doesn't matter.  But I want to say this...

I hope your life always goes the way you want it to.  I hope you are never derailed.  I fervently pray that it's all smooth sailing from here on out.

Oh I hope you're never different.  That you never think outside the box.  Never open up yourself from criticism from the group.  Please never ever listen to that little voice that says "but I'm not..." because therein lies folly.

I hope you always conform to society's standards.  That you will always walk that very narrow path.  That you will always be content with the mold you were cast in by others.

I hope you never feel a passion for something that others think is weird.  That you never have to pretend to like something just because you will get called names and made to feel bad about yourself if you don't. I wish all your interests are herd-acceptable.

I hope that some tragedy never befalls you.  That something first happen that makes you question the masses.  That you're never put in the position that people will assume that because something happened TO you, that it happened BECAUSE OF you.  Or worse, to be told that it's your fault, for whatever reason.

I pray that you always do what is expected, even when the ones pushing those expectations are doing the exact opposite.  That you don't see the hypocrisy all around you. 

Please don't hear when society adds up your parts and decides your worth.  Legs, $50.  Breasts, $125.  Brain, $15.  Chuck the rest.

Harsh words I know.  But I mean it.  Because in the end... the world wasn't made for you.  The world was made for us freaks.  It was made BY us freaks.  Long after your beige boxed life has ended, the Technicolor awesomeness of us few, us glorious few, will be celebrated.  Annually in some cases.

We are the creators.  The protectors. We move this earth and everything in it.  You can belittle us, bully us, and talk down to us. 

But you will never break us.  

blooming

i'm home sick today watching today's video, and stopped at about the three minute mark absolutely floored.  something that Kelly Rae said really resonated with me.  "we are all innately creative, and we loose it along the way..."  and that is so true.  whether we loose it, or its taken from us, it's so amazing that we can get it back again.   i tuned 40 last October and it has so far been the BEST and most creative year of my life.

see, in high school, i was in every art class my school offered.  painting, drawing, even ceramics.  i killed at it.  i was awesome.  when i went to college, i studied theater with a minor in art.  and i was awesome.  i was deep into my art.  i even had been accepted to San Francisco School of Art for my post grad work.

and then there was a guy.

he was charming, and suave, and because he didn't "understand" or "get" my art, i let it go.  i let him, in no words at all, tell me that because it wasn't making money, it wasn't good, and i needed to stop.  he never told me to quit, but in looks and smirks little digs...  i stopped.  and it died.  and to no ones surprise (except for perhaps his), i eventually got tired of not being enough, of everything being my fault, of doing everything with nothing in return, and in an incredible leap of faith i left.

but i didn't paint again.

that stayed dead.  oh, every once in a while i would buy a sketch book and draw.  i still sewed, even knitted and did soft sculpture with needle felting.  but i didn't paint.  i again became a wife to a wonderful man, became a mother to two amazing children.  but didn't paint.  i wasn't good enough and it didn't matter anyway.  right?

until

one day after getting so angry (at what doesn't matter any more) and my mother becoming one of the few survivors of something called Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome (yes, seriously), my wonderful husband sat me down, went up into the attic and retrieved 20 year old canvases that i had carried around with me and my grandfathers easel.  he gently shoved me into what was then an exercise room and told me not to come out until i had painted something.

what that awoke in me was beautiful.  and amazing.  and it started me on the path to this amazing class, and honestly, i'm sitting here stuffed up to the gills, sneezing, coughing, achy, and yes, in tears because i am so happy to be where i am today (not the stuffed up coughing achy part).  in this class, having this catharsis, and being with these wonderful people in my tribe.  

Fantasy World

In the fantasy I play out in my head, I will eventually start making enough money off my artwork to quit my job.  I spend my days in my studio surrounded by my little bits and bobs, my treasures.  I'll stand at my easel and move and play, because at its heart is what my style is, movement and play.  Sometimes in this fantasy internal movie Simon Pegg arrives to buy a painting and declare his undying love for me.  I'm flattered of course, but only give up the painting.  Usually.

I've decided since Mark and I are taking our first vacation pics as separate times (we didn't get the same bid) I'm going to take my vacation to work more in my studio.  But I'm also going to take my work out to different coffee shops and small galleries to see if I can get them to display my work.  Its a little step, but I will get me out there more.

Of course I've never tried to get my work displayed like that before, so I suppose I'll have to figure out the protocol.  And get good pictures taken of my stuff.  (That reminds me, I need to take my camera to the Children's Museum Star Wars Night tonight).  I want prints made of my work anyway, so getting pictures is a win win. 

Someday I'd like to start doing conventions and big art shows, but I think right now I'm good with the small ones that are coming my way.  Its pushing me out there to meet new people.  Which is a good thing I suppose.  Im not anxiety ridden, but I'm certainly more comfortable in my own home or in a small group of just my friends.  Give me a pen and a piece of paper and I'm the happiest gal in the world, but drop me in a crowd of people and I'm an awkward teenager again. 

Anyway.

The addendum to this fantasy (not the Simon Pegg bits (hehehehehehe "bits") get your mind out of the.... Never mind) is that it all fits into The Plan.  The taxes will be done soon and then we start paying stuff off to get us out of debt.  The plan evolves every day.  Monday were getting a boat.  By Wednesday its a cabin in the woods.   Friday usually is a private island.  I like Friday best. 

The plan has to make room for my art supplies and show fees.  And Mark's vintage action figure* collection.  " We can't live like moinks", remember.  We have to temper paying stuff off with still enjoying our lives.  We'll make it work.

I was sorely tempted to write " doll" there FYI

Resolution Revolution

I dislike new years resolutions. I know of no one that keeps them for more than a few months at best.  But I have some challenges I want to meet. 

I want to sew 6 quilts this year. It breaks down to a quilt every two months, or 6 done in November and December. Depends on my level of lazy.  I'm ahead of the curve though, I've already got strips cut for one of the quilts, the Chevron.  I want to do a Chevron, a Crazy Quilt, disappearing 9 patch, an art quilt, the Loving Tree quilt, and a Star Wars applique checkerboard quilt. 

I must admit, I'm enjoying quilting much more than I thought I would.  I am fond of saying that I detest hand a sewing, but hand embroidery is a different animal altogether. I quite like it.  It started with a casual conversation with one of my coworkers about an art show that I've got coming up and I mentioned that I was thinking we doing a small crazy quilt (there are size restrictions in this show that make painting problematic, I like my big ass canvases).  I'd seen crazy quilts before and it seems interesting.  Turns out his mother has written several books on the subject.  So I got a little inspired.  Its kind of snowballed. 

I challenge myself to do yoga every day this year.  I love my Bikram classes.  So. So.  Much.  If I could afford it in time or money I would do it every day.  But I don't have that luxury.  In time or money.  But I CAN do at least a little yoga every day.  I don't care if I do nothing more than a corpse posse, just as long as I do something.  You know what, doesn't even have to be any of the poses.  Meditation is very yoga.  Anything done mindful is yoga.  Yoga dishes.  Yoga kitchen clean up.  I like it.

I'm noticing such huge changes in my body since I started my regular practice.  I can't wait to see how this continues.

I need to get my work into coffee shops and galleries. Now that I've got a couple of shows under my belt (read 2), I want to work on getting some of my stuff displayed around town.   I'm prepping for another show now, but in the spring I'll be getting pictures for my portfolio and heading out to coffee shops and small galleries to see if there is any interest. 

I'm not expecting to to get anything on my first go round, but it never hurts to get my name and my work out there.  This is what I want to do with the rest of my life, so baby steps.  Right?

I'm challenging myself to enter every art show that comes my way.   I need to be able to work with a deadline, and not just willy nilly whenever I feel it.  As long as I'm present in my studio, the muse will come. Maybe not every time, but the more I work, the more the muse will be there.   Which reminds me, I need to borrow those Tori Amos CDs from Andi.  Music feeds the muse. 

I will do more full moon and Circle work.  I keep meaning to widen my Heathen/Pagan tribe, and this seems a good way to do it.  I love my solitary practice, but I'd like do move more into a small group setting.  The trick will be finding a group that I'm comfortable with and that is comfortable with me. Finding the right tribe is tricky. So many opinions and personalities. I'm not guessing I'll find the right group this year, but I'll lay the ground work to find it.  And even if it never happens, at lest I've tried. 

Altar'd

We have a couple of altars in the house.  The main one is the living room fireplace that we never use.  Except as an altar of course.  That one has the statues of Odin, Frigga, and Thor.  There's also usually a couple of skulls of various fauna, but that's just because I like skulls and use them to decorate.  We change the look of this altar pretty regularly, and usually with the seasons.  Soon well have evergreen branches among the trinkets and stockings hung under the gods on the mantle. 

The one in the kitchen is kind of a family altar.  There are little bits and bobs that either came from, or remind us of someone close.  Someone here or someone that has passed.  The kitchens is where I do most of my spiritual work too, so most if not all of my tools are kept there.  My candles, knives, incense, etc.

Now I'm setting up a new altar in my studio.  So far its just the housing.  I'm not sure what will ultimately go on or in it.  It will grow organically I suppose.  The altar itself was suppose to be made into a doggie bed for Mojo, but for those of you that don't know, Mojo tried to attack Bam, so he was sent away.  Sorry, but no second chances there.  But its too nice a piece to not use, so an altar it is.  It adds a bit more storage space to my already cramped space.  Bonus. 

So apparently im old now

There is a distinct difference between your 30's and your 40's.  I've been in my 40's for a week now, so Im pretty sure I know what I'm talking about.  And its weird, but in the last week I really have become a lot more aware of the differences. 

I swear, and I just don't care.  Sometimes the only thing that can make you feel better after an exasperating day is a long and soulful exclamation of "fuuuuuuuuuck".  I'm fine with that.  I like my salty language, and honestly I'm not looking for anyone's input on my vocabulary choices.  If I feel the situation calls for a hearty "BOLLOCKS" then by gods I'm yelling "BOLLOCKS."

I'm sexy and I know it.  Hawt is actually a better term.  Beautiful.  Majestic.  Yes, I have a "strong" nose.  Crooked front tooth.  I'm fluffy at best.  But my sexyness has so very little to do with my actual features, and EVERYTHING to to with my mental state and attitude.  I'm amazing because I believe I'm amazing.  And I am.  Call it charisma, inner light, whatever you want.  Maybe its just being comfortable in my own skin. But I've got it. And on that note...

I will wear what I want when I want to. Ill be honest, in my 20's i would not have ever worn leggings, but damn.  40 is all about the leggings.  Most comfortable thing on the planet. I love them.  Even jeans are becoming too binding anymore.  Plus by wearing leggings I don't have to change before yoga.  I'm already dressed!  I'm not dressing FOR anyone, and I'm sexy no matter what I wear, so why not dress the way I want to?

I am never going to be a size 4 (and probably not even 10).  I have been trying for over 20 years to loose 10-50 pounds.  I weigh more now than I have any other time in my life other than in the third trimester of pregnancy.  And honestly, I may never loose it.  OK.  I'm still healthy.  I eat real food, and as little of it is processed as I can.  And there's something that diet companies don't want you to know... food tastes good.  Its super yummy.  So as long as I'm healthy, who the fuck cares what size I am?  Not me.  Not my husband.  Or my kids. 

And so...

I'm not looking for outside approval.  No, not even yours.    I think turning 40 just made me more aware of who I am.  I truly appreciate who I am.  I am beautiful (see above), creative, talented, and amazing.   And it'd OK that I recognize these qualities in myself.  I doesn't seem to matter to me if no one else ever does.  My favorite quote is Coco Chanel "I don't care what you think of me, I don't think of you at all."  

Nothing on that list would have been possible even in my early 30's. 

But at 40, I'm down with it. 

Jealous

We got the DVDs for season seven of Big Bang Theory (no spoilers please, I won't be seeing season 8 until its out on DVD as well) and I've finished watching them.  I jealous.  Of Penny.  Not for the body or the hair, or even weirdly of Leonard, whom I find just... Yummy.  But because of her decision to quit her job and devote her life to her art. That takes guts. 

Not sure that I have those guts.  Well, I DO, I just have an even bigger streak of responsibility.  Maybe that makes me a bad artist.  Maybe I'm just not ready to commit yet or something.  I'd love to, don't get me wrong.  Its just that things are tight enough without taking away an income. 

Although quiting my job ala Penny is a particularly pleasant fantasy of mine.  Especially after days like today.  A body can only handle so much frustrated clenching. 

I guess that kind of begs the question...  Am i a bad artist because I won't quit a job I hate,  (am good at, do well, and am apparently suited for, admittedly.  Will never quit, certainly). (With the exception of winning the lottery, they would never see me again), in favor of keeping a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs?  Does it make me a bad mother and wife because I even consider it?  Or am I just bobing along like everyone else, waiting for some lightning strike? 

But I can commit to spend more time in the studio.  I'll try to carve out an hour or so a day.  Even if I don't get anything accomplished, its getting me into the routine.  Im going to also try to actually DO the Artist Way homework.  I lasted a week last time with the morning pages, but I never did any of the other exercises.  I can try to do that.  I'm also thinking of going one of my older stuff and gessoing over it to start over.  Some of my first works aren't really representative of what my style is evolving to.  I still have a couple blank canvases squirreled away, so I'm not at that point yet.  Just something that's been festering in the back of my mind. 

I'm not willing to make Mark very the financial burden.  I'm just not.  Its not fair to him, and were in this family together.  So until the lottery comes through for me or my paintings finally take off, I'm stuck here. It really not that bad a place to be as long as he's here with me.

Seeking My Tribe

today is the last day of Bloom True Boot Camp.  and i'm both ecstatic and sad.  ecstatic because this has been such a life changing experience, i honestly could have never thought at the beginning that i would be where i am now.  i will be forever grateful for this experience.  it has deeply and profoundly changed me.  and it has strengthened my resolve to become the artist i know i am destined to be.

today's prompt is to gather my tribe.  these are women and men that inspire me, egg me on, make me a better person.  i'm related to some, friends with some, some i've never seen in person, and some i've never even said two words to.  but they are all special to me and help make me who i am today.  please meet my tribe:

my mother Barbara Westcott - my mom has inspired me every day of my life.  to be a better person, to be a better mother, to be an amazing artist.

my niece Meghan Blake - she is one of those truly special souls that has followed her bliss and makes it work.

Andromeda Ross - she has been with me through thick and thin.  we may not talk every day, but we have always been there for each other when we need each other.

Deina McIntosh - Deina is so very deeply my soul sister.  we've never seen each other face to face, but i know her and love her like she's been in my life since the day i was born.

Dallas Tomasello - my sweet baby girl.  i would not be who i am today without her.

Mark Tomasello - the man that started it all.  he allowed me to bloom into who i am today and never lets me apologize for who i am.  i do not say this lightly when i say that he has saved me.

Danni Suplicki - she is such a talented artist and inspiration, and meets me geek for geek in all things geekery.

Chris Zydel - she is an amazing artist.  she inspires me every day to create and let my goddess flow.

and yes Flora Bowley - her book changed how i paint.  and her boot camp has changed everything about how i create.  today is her birthday, and i cannot think of a better present to her than to live my life EXACTLY the way i want to, as is her example.

this is my tribe.  stitched together by love and respect.  you all mean so much to me.  thank you for coming with me on this journey.

i love you.

Be Brave

today's #bloomtruebootcamp is to be brave.  i started this out on facebook, but it's too long so i've blogged it.
here is my bravery.

I am:

a mother
a wife
a pretty damn hot looker
a wit
a brilliant mind

a scared little girl
a survivor
a terrified mother

a slightly neurotic zombie apocalypse conspiracy theorist
a yogini
a mediator

a crone
an aspiring Volva
an empath
a kitchen witch
a heathen

a geek
a gamer
a nerd

a liar
a cheat
a person that has broken an oath
a person that's vowed never to do it again

a lover of the truth, even when it is so painful

a feminist
a humanist
a person that thinks it's just stupid that we still have to be these things, but we really do need to be right now

a talented artist

this is what i am, and oh so much more.  both good and bad.  and i have faced each of these things, and i am so very aware of what i am.  and what I'm not.  and that my friends, is so very very brave.  

Rocking my style

today my Bloom True Boot Camp work is all about finding my style as an artist.  honestly, i think i'm too new to really pin down my style.  it changes all the time.  from abstracts, to swirly fiddily details, to weird creature shapes...  i've come a long way in a short amount of time.  

there are a couple of prompts from the Brave Intuitive You blog  about finding your style:

What makes you stand out from a crowd? i've been asking myself that for a long time.  i'm not sure exactly what it is.  but its something inside.  some inner light and playfulness.  

How do your friends describe you? hehehehe, that depends on the friend.  lets ask them...  leave a comment below on how you describe me

What are your favorite color combinations? it depends on my mood.  sometimes i'm all about the light pastels and greens, and other times i cover everything in black and red

What type of art makes your heart beat faster? Why? impressionism.  the breakdown of color, the 'almost there' images...  i love it

What brings you the most peace? my family.  there is no where i'd rather be than surrounded by my loves

Where do you love to travel? i have to be in the MOOD to travel.  i'm a homebody by nature (which is why The Plan involves an RV, so i can travel and still be at home), but i like going places with either friends or adventure.

What art mediums do you love to play with? i love acrylics, but i've been playing with oil pastels for a few days and I LOVE THEM.  but only for small things, 

What’s your idea of FUN? honestly.....  my ideal fun time is being at home and playing video games.  i know i'm supposed to say something like "yarn bombing the artist quarter and picking up recycling" but i'm not that girl.  give me chips, salsa, and Darkspawn any day.

What objects would you put on your personal altar? i have several altars actually.  the main one in the fireplace has statues of Odin, Frigga, and Thor, as well as offerings, a stone knife, herbs, and other bits.  i have a more "family" altar in the kitchen that has photos of grandparents, little "chotchkis" and trinkets.  so i guess that one is my personal altar.  probably should have read the question again.

What makes you feel most alive?  coffee.  sounds flippant, but it's true.  i love me some coffee. 

i have to say that this boot camp has been amazing.  i have grown more as an artist in the few weeks of this boot camp than i did in almost a year on my own.  it's truly sent from the gods.  artistically, this has been the best thing to happen to me since Hubby.  i'm going to be sad when it's over.  

the ripple effect (it's like the butterfly effect, but not*)

* as in it's not a crappy movie


today the Bloom True Boot Camp is about the ripple effect.  you share some of your favorite things, people see those things and try them out too.  it's very cool.  so this blog post is going to be a little different in that it's just a list of a bunch of stuff i love, and maybe a link, or a reason i like it, or whatever.  here we go:

favorite musician - Voltaire.  if you've never heard him before, be prepared to love it.  he's gothy, meaningful, damn funny, and loves sci-fi as much as the rest of us dorky geeks.  it also helps that he's pretty.  so pretty.

favorite artist - Van Gogh - i've always loved his work, but seriously, even more so since watching Vincent and the Doctor.

favorite tv show - Doctor Who.  i'm not even going to quantify this

favorite artwork - While i love Van Gogh, my favorite work is done by Cibot.  Fallen angels is the most beautiful piece i've ever seen.  wrought with emotion and symbolism, it speaks to me.  i'm lucky enough to live in Omaha, and it is housed in our Joslyn museum.

favorite movie(s) - The Fifth Element, LOTR, and The Hobbit.  don't judge

favorite color - pumpkin orange

favorite smell - fall.  the air. oh the air

favorite medium - i work mainly in acrylic, but i've been LOVING my oil pastels lately

favorite people - My children Dallas and Balin.  they are the reason i am who i am today.  i love my Bugs and Bam

favorite words - "so you wanna?"  this was of course, how Hubby proposed to me.

favorite time period - the viking age.  i'm a viking at heart, and i love the idea of the Volva!  she was a Norse witch, and able to go anywhere unencumbered.  the viking age was awesome.

favorite god - Odin.  he is my favorite of the gods, and awesome.  he loved magick and knowledge.  and he was a traveler at heart.

favorite goddess - Frigga.  she is definitely my patron goddess.  the goddess of home and hearth, she also ruled when Odin was away.  very awesome

favorite song - right now, it's Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons.  i listen to it on repeat a lot when i'm driving.

favorite new age hippy thing - right now, earthing.  walking barefoot as often as possible.   it sounds weird but i really do feel better and have more energy.  and seriously, the problems i've been having with my foot are all but gone.

other favorites - Bikram yoga, toeless socks, cuddels, art dates, road trips, coffee with lots of cream

yes, a lot of this list is fluffy stuff, but at this point in my life, i've earned a little fluff.  

Photo Scavenger Hunt

for the #bloomtruebootcamp today there is a photo scavenger hunt.  we had a funeral to go to, so there wasn't a lot of scavenging (as in i didn't do all the prompts) but i got a couple good shots in.  the prompts were

• Explore shadows and light.
• Find complimentary colors (blue + orange, red + green, yellow + violet)
• Take a close-up photo of the natural world.
• Capture something in motion.
• Find repeating patterns.
• Take a photo of something you love.
• Look up.  What do you see?
• Look down.  What do you see?
• Take an “artsy” photo of your art supplies
• Take a loving self-portrait. 

something in motion

something i love 

repeating patterns

nature

contrasting colors & look down

look up

a loving selfie

like i said, not the best pictures in the world, but better than nothing

Manifesto Destiny

my prompt today for the Bloom True Boot Camp is to write my Artist Manifesto.  a manifesto says who and what i am as an artist.  kind of a "hay, this is me, this is what i think" kind of deal.  every artist eventually has to create one even if it's just a couple of sentences needed to enter a jurored show.

the focus questions from the Bloom True Boot Camp blog are as follows:

Why do you want/need to create?  What are your intentions when you create?  What are your core beliefs about creativity?  What does creating add to your life? How you want to FEEL when you create?

this is quite possibly one of the harder things i've ever done in my life.

    why do i need to create?  the glib answer is that i love painting and making the world a better place.  the dark answer is that if i don't the horrors of my job start to creep into my phyche and this is a way to cleanse it.  there has to be a happy middle somewhere.
    what are my intentions when i create?  i don't really have any intentions when i start a piece.  it's all just chaos.  i rarely if ever know what's going to come out when i start.  i guess my real intention is to not get any more paint on the hardwood.
    what are my core believes about creativity?  easy.  everyone is creative.  they just need to find what moves them.  for me it's energy and emotion.  i have so much of both.
    what does creating add to my life?  a level of sanity heretofore unknown to me.  or madness.  it's amazing how often i mix up those two.
    how do i want to feel when i create?  depends.  i feel a lot of things when i'm painting.  happiness, pride, anger, fear...  you get it.  sometimes all at once.  the piece dictates the mood as weird as that sounds.  and it changes millions of times each painting.

so i guess my manifesto is a little bit of all of that.  i had already made an artist statement, and i'm just going to add on a bit more and turn it into a manifesto.  here goes:

i am a new artist that is deeply inspired by the emotion and energy of the world as it bursts around me.  it thrills me to see the layers of paint grow and develop, and the randomness of the elements come together out of the chaos.  for me, it's amazing to see how organically my paintings grow and change, and how one small detail can move the piece in a completely new direction. 

Bikram and Blooming

Theres not a lot of wiggle room in the budget.  Not enough to make the regular Bikram classes a staple.  I might be able to swing the 'Happy Hour' Friday class for 5 bucks.  That's probably more doable.  Which is ok with me, I dont think more than a class a week will fit into the family dynamic. 

Im torn as to if im even going to Bikram tonight or not.  My stuffyness is morphing into a full blown cold.  Im sure the heat will cause me to sweat out my toxins and germs, im just hot sure how much of the poses ill actually be able to DO.  Though at this point, the class is paid for, so even if I just lay there in corpse pose, im getting my money worth.  maybe ill go.  But maybe ill stay home and work on todays Bloom True Boot Camp prompt. 

I know its only been three days how, but this boot camp is exactly what I need.  I especially loved the first days gratitude prompt.  I dont take enough time to be greatful.  And my life is pretty amazballs, so ive got a ton to be greatful for.  Today's prompt is about gathering your supplies,  and ive already got that down.  All my supplies are in this AMAZING storage unit I bartered with my friend Kate.  I may tidy that up a bit.  It became a little disorganized when I did all my ren faire sewing.  

My sewing desk is going to get a face lift soon too.  I had such good luck with the chalk paint on the little table that im going to do the same to the desk.  It will be beautiful.   Oh yes.  Love it.

Ive had to back out of the Cirque art show.  Im a little sad about it, but im making up for it by really throwing myself into the Day of the Dead show.  Ive completed one sugar skull already, and am about to prep another.  Mortimer was very traditional,  but I think with Morticia im going to stretch the concept a little.   Im not going to leak any details,  its still in the planing stages, but it will be awesome.  

Thats all the update for now.

it's ok to be selfish

in two months i will be 40.  less than two actually.  by a couple of days.  and while i don't think that the plan and it's preparations is part of some sort of mid life crisis thingy (or maybe it is, i don't know), i have been having a very "where is my life now and where do i want it to go" internal monologue.  sometimes my internal monologue has a brittish accent.  it's very sophisticated.  it's entirely possible that i am out classed by my internal monologue.*

i have lived most of my life, and all of my adult life, helping other people.  i have volunteered at charity functions.  i have fed those that couldn't feed themselves.  i have given time, and money, and the clothes off my back.  i have attempted to start my own charity when i saw people were falling through the cracks.  i've done 5k's in costume because it raised more money.  my current vocation is literally 100% about helping people, sometimes whether they want it or not.  i have given my free time to friends and family when they needed it, even when i had no time to think straight.  as a wife and mother i have given everything i have and everything i am to the three most important people in the universe.  

and i'm tired.

my job has apparently a high rate of PTSD, which i can see.  i've had the nightmares.  the reoccurring ones that wake you up covered in sweat.  i've heard the death rattle of a last breath for months every time i closed my eyes.  it wares on a person.  it can rub you raw if you let it.  so you build up walls.  and when that's chipped away you build another one.  sometimes it feels like there is an entire city inside, all abandoned walls and crumbling detritus.  

anyway.  

so i've decided that as a present to myself i'm going to be selfish.  unlimited taking time for myself, as often as i want.  starting now.  i'm buying a 30 day unlimited pass for the Bikram Yoga studio in town.  i start my first session tomorrow.  and when the 30 days is up, i'm buying a pass that lets me do a class a week.  i'm going to paint and sketch whatever i feel like whenever i feel like it.  i'm going to buy wonderful delicious healthy food.  i even already have a kale smoothie ready for tomorrow after yoga.  

i'm going to walk around with no shoes on as often as possible.  it's weird how AMAZING walking without shoes has made me feel, even in just the last couple of days.  earthing i think it's called.  i'm going to do it whenever i can.  

i'm going to take baths with Epsom salts and baking soda and essential oils.  i'm going to get herbs and candles and incense and be witchy when i want.  i'm going to do whatever i damn well please with my hair.  i'm going to spoil myself and my husband and my children if i'm able.  and as long as i keep on track with the plan, i'm going to buy high quality things that are going to last and that i love.  because fuckit i can. 

because it's ok to be selfish.  because it's not selfish.  it's self care.  and i am far to wonderful and amazing, and yes, goddsdamnit to OLD to do anything else.  

*totally stolen from Terry Pratchett when he described Foul Old Ron's smell.  i love Foul Old Ron's smell,  it goes to the opera**

** the * was also stolen from Terry Pratchett.  if you don't read him yet, you really should.