So apparently im old now

There is a distinct difference between your 30's and your 40's.  I've been in my 40's for a week now, so Im pretty sure I know what I'm talking about.  And its weird, but in the last week I really have become a lot more aware of the differences. 

I swear, and I just don't care.  Sometimes the only thing that can make you feel better after an exasperating day is a long and soulful exclamation of "fuuuuuuuuuck".  I'm fine with that.  I like my salty language, and honestly I'm not looking for anyone's input on my vocabulary choices.  If I feel the situation calls for a hearty "BOLLOCKS" then by gods I'm yelling "BOLLOCKS."

I'm sexy and I know it.  Hawt is actually a better term.  Beautiful.  Majestic.  Yes, I have a "strong" nose.  Crooked front tooth.  I'm fluffy at best.  But my sexyness has so very little to do with my actual features, and EVERYTHING to to with my mental state and attitude.  I'm amazing because I believe I'm amazing.  And I am.  Call it charisma, inner light, whatever you want.  Maybe its just being comfortable in my own skin. But I've got it. And on that note...

I will wear what I want when I want to. Ill be honest, in my 20's i would not have ever worn leggings, but damn.  40 is all about the leggings.  Most comfortable thing on the planet. I love them.  Even jeans are becoming too binding anymore.  Plus by wearing leggings I don't have to change before yoga.  I'm already dressed!  I'm not dressing FOR anyone, and I'm sexy no matter what I wear, so why not dress the way I want to?

I am never going to be a size 4 (and probably not even 10).  I have been trying for over 20 years to loose 10-50 pounds.  I weigh more now than I have any other time in my life other than in the third trimester of pregnancy.  And honestly, I may never loose it.  OK.  I'm still healthy.  I eat real food, and as little of it is processed as I can.  And there's something that diet companies don't want you to know... food tastes good.  Its super yummy.  So as long as I'm healthy, who the fuck cares what size I am?  Not me.  Not my husband.  Or my kids. 

And so...

I'm not looking for outside approval.  No, not even yours.    I think turning 40 just made me more aware of who I am.  I truly appreciate who I am.  I am beautiful (see above), creative, talented, and amazing.   And it'd OK that I recognize these qualities in myself.  I doesn't seem to matter to me if no one else ever does.  My favorite quote is Coco Chanel "I don't care what you think of me, I don't think of you at all."  

Nothing on that list would have been possible even in my early 30's. 

But at 40, I'm down with it. 

Jealous

We got the DVDs for season seven of Big Bang Theory (no spoilers please, I won't be seeing season 8 until its out on DVD as well) and I've finished watching them.  I jealous.  Of Penny.  Not for the body or the hair, or even weirdly of Leonard, whom I find just... Yummy.  But because of her decision to quit her job and devote her life to her art. That takes guts. 

Not sure that I have those guts.  Well, I DO, I just have an even bigger streak of responsibility.  Maybe that makes me a bad artist.  Maybe I'm just not ready to commit yet or something.  I'd love to, don't get me wrong.  Its just that things are tight enough without taking away an income. 

Although quiting my job ala Penny is a particularly pleasant fantasy of mine.  Especially after days like today.  A body can only handle so much frustrated clenching. 

I guess that kind of begs the question...  Am i a bad artist because I won't quit a job I hate,  (am good at, do well, and am apparently suited for, admittedly.  Will never quit, certainly). (With the exception of winning the lottery, they would never see me again), in favor of keeping a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs?  Does it make me a bad mother and wife because I even consider it?  Or am I just bobing along like everyone else, waiting for some lightning strike? 

But I can commit to spend more time in the studio.  I'll try to carve out an hour or so a day.  Even if I don't get anything accomplished, its getting me into the routine.  Im going to also try to actually DO the Artist Way homework.  I lasted a week last time with the morning pages, but I never did any of the other exercises.  I can try to do that.  I'm also thinking of going one of my older stuff and gessoing over it to start over.  Some of my first works aren't really representative of what my style is evolving to.  I still have a couple blank canvases squirreled away, so I'm not at that point yet.  Just something that's been festering in the back of my mind. 

I'm not willing to make Mark very the financial burden.  I'm just not.  Its not fair to him, and were in this family together.  So until the lottery comes through for me or my paintings finally take off, I'm stuck here. It really not that bad a place to be as long as he's here with me.

Seeking My Tribe

today is the last day of Bloom True Boot Camp.  and i'm both ecstatic and sad.  ecstatic because this has been such a life changing experience, i honestly could have never thought at the beginning that i would be where i am now.  i will be forever grateful for this experience.  it has deeply and profoundly changed me.  and it has strengthened my resolve to become the artist i know i am destined to be.

today's prompt is to gather my tribe.  these are women and men that inspire me, egg me on, make me a better person.  i'm related to some, friends with some, some i've never seen in person, and some i've never even said two words to.  but they are all special to me and help make me who i am today.  please meet my tribe:

my mother Barbara Westcott - my mom has inspired me every day of my life.  to be a better person, to be a better mother, to be an amazing artist.

my niece Meghan Blake - she is one of those truly special souls that has followed her bliss and makes it work.

Andromeda Ross - she has been with me through thick and thin.  we may not talk every day, but we have always been there for each other when we need each other.

Deina McIntosh - Deina is so very deeply my soul sister.  we've never seen each other face to face, but i know her and love her like she's been in my life since the day i was born.

Dallas Tomasello - my sweet baby girl.  i would not be who i am today without her.

Mark Tomasello - the man that started it all.  he allowed me to bloom into who i am today and never lets me apologize for who i am.  i do not say this lightly when i say that he has saved me.

Danni Suplicki - she is such a talented artist and inspiration, and meets me geek for geek in all things geekery.

Chris Zydel - she is an amazing artist.  she inspires me every day to create and let my goddess flow.

and yes Flora Bowley - her book changed how i paint.  and her boot camp has changed everything about how i create.  today is her birthday, and i cannot think of a better present to her than to live my life EXACTLY the way i want to, as is her example.

this is my tribe.  stitched together by love and respect.  you all mean so much to me.  thank you for coming with me on this journey.

i love you.

Be Brave

today's #bloomtruebootcamp is to be brave.  i started this out on facebook, but it's too long so i've blogged it.
here is my bravery.

I am:

a mother
a wife
a pretty damn hot looker
a wit
a brilliant mind

a scared little girl
a survivor
a terrified mother

a slightly neurotic zombie apocalypse conspiracy theorist
a yogini
a mediator

a crone
an aspiring Volva
an empath
a kitchen witch
a heathen

a geek
a gamer
a nerd

a liar
a cheat
a person that has broken an oath
a person that's vowed never to do it again

a lover of the truth, even when it is so painful

a feminist
a humanist
a person that thinks it's just stupid that we still have to be these things, but we really do need to be right now

a talented artist

this is what i am, and oh so much more.  both good and bad.  and i have faced each of these things, and i am so very aware of what i am.  and what I'm not.  and that my friends, is so very very brave.  

Rocking my style

today my Bloom True Boot Camp work is all about finding my style as an artist.  honestly, i think i'm too new to really pin down my style.  it changes all the time.  from abstracts, to swirly fiddily details, to weird creature shapes...  i've come a long way in a short amount of time.  

there are a couple of prompts from the Brave Intuitive You blog  about finding your style:

What makes you stand out from a crowd? i've been asking myself that for a long time.  i'm not sure exactly what it is.  but its something inside.  some inner light and playfulness.  

How do your friends describe you? hehehehe, that depends on the friend.  lets ask them...  leave a comment below on how you describe me

What are your favorite color combinations? it depends on my mood.  sometimes i'm all about the light pastels and greens, and other times i cover everything in black and red

What type of art makes your heart beat faster? Why? impressionism.  the breakdown of color, the 'almost there' images...  i love it

What brings you the most peace? my family.  there is no where i'd rather be than surrounded by my loves

Where do you love to travel? i have to be in the MOOD to travel.  i'm a homebody by nature (which is why The Plan involves an RV, so i can travel and still be at home), but i like going places with either friends or adventure.

What art mediums do you love to play with? i love acrylics, but i've been playing with oil pastels for a few days and I LOVE THEM.  but only for small things, 

What’s your idea of FUN? honestly.....  my ideal fun time is being at home and playing video games.  i know i'm supposed to say something like "yarn bombing the artist quarter and picking up recycling" but i'm not that girl.  give me chips, salsa, and Darkspawn any day.

What objects would you put on your personal altar? i have several altars actually.  the main one in the fireplace has statues of Odin, Frigga, and Thor, as well as offerings, a stone knife, herbs, and other bits.  i have a more "family" altar in the kitchen that has photos of grandparents, little "chotchkis" and trinkets.  so i guess that one is my personal altar.  probably should have read the question again.

What makes you feel most alive?  coffee.  sounds flippant, but it's true.  i love me some coffee. 

i have to say that this boot camp has been amazing.  i have grown more as an artist in the few weeks of this boot camp than i did in almost a year on my own.  it's truly sent from the gods.  artistically, this has been the best thing to happen to me since Hubby.  i'm going to be sad when it's over.  

the ripple effect (it's like the butterfly effect, but not*)

* as in it's not a crappy movie


today the Bloom True Boot Camp is about the ripple effect.  you share some of your favorite things, people see those things and try them out too.  it's very cool.  so this blog post is going to be a little different in that it's just a list of a bunch of stuff i love, and maybe a link, or a reason i like it, or whatever.  here we go:

favorite musician - Voltaire.  if you've never heard him before, be prepared to love it.  he's gothy, meaningful, damn funny, and loves sci-fi as much as the rest of us dorky geeks.  it also helps that he's pretty.  so pretty.

favorite artist - Van Gogh - i've always loved his work, but seriously, even more so since watching Vincent and the Doctor.

favorite tv show - Doctor Who.  i'm not even going to quantify this

favorite artwork - While i love Van Gogh, my favorite work is done by Cibot.  Fallen angels is the most beautiful piece i've ever seen.  wrought with emotion and symbolism, it speaks to me.  i'm lucky enough to live in Omaha, and it is housed in our Joslyn museum.

favorite movie(s) - The Fifth Element, LOTR, and The Hobbit.  don't judge

favorite color - pumpkin orange

favorite smell - fall.  the air. oh the air

favorite medium - i work mainly in acrylic, but i've been LOVING my oil pastels lately

favorite people - My children Dallas and Balin.  they are the reason i am who i am today.  i love my Bugs and Bam

favorite words - "so you wanna?"  this was of course, how Hubby proposed to me.

favorite time period - the viking age.  i'm a viking at heart, and i love the idea of the Volva!  she was a Norse witch, and able to go anywhere unencumbered.  the viking age was awesome.

favorite god - Odin.  he is my favorite of the gods, and awesome.  he loved magick and knowledge.  and he was a traveler at heart.

favorite goddess - Frigga.  she is definitely my patron goddess.  the goddess of home and hearth, she also ruled when Odin was away.  very awesome

favorite song - right now, it's Hopeless Wanderer by Mumford and Sons.  i listen to it on repeat a lot when i'm driving.

favorite new age hippy thing - right now, earthing.  walking barefoot as often as possible.   it sounds weird but i really do feel better and have more energy.  and seriously, the problems i've been having with my foot are all but gone.

other favorites - Bikram yoga, toeless socks, cuddels, art dates, road trips, coffee with lots of cream

yes, a lot of this list is fluffy stuff, but at this point in my life, i've earned a little fluff.  

Photo Scavenger Hunt

for the #bloomtruebootcamp today there is a photo scavenger hunt.  we had a funeral to go to, so there wasn't a lot of scavenging (as in i didn't do all the prompts) but i got a couple good shots in.  the prompts were

• Explore shadows and light.
• Find complimentary colors (blue + orange, red + green, yellow + violet)
• Take a close-up photo of the natural world.
• Capture something in motion.
• Find repeating patterns.
• Take a photo of something you love.
• Look up.  What do you see?
• Look down.  What do you see?
• Take an “artsy” photo of your art supplies
• Take a loving self-portrait. 

something in motion

something i love 

repeating patterns

nature

contrasting colors & look down

look up

a loving selfie

like i said, not the best pictures in the world, but better than nothing