So apparently im old now

There is a distinct difference between your 30's and your 40's.  I've been in my 40's for a week now, so Im pretty sure I know what I'm talking about.  And its weird, but in the last week I really have become a lot more aware of the differences. 

I swear, and I just don't care.  Sometimes the only thing that can make you feel better after an exasperating day is a long and soulful exclamation of "fuuuuuuuuuck".  I'm fine with that.  I like my salty language, and honestly I'm not looking for anyone's input on my vocabulary choices.  If I feel the situation calls for a hearty "BOLLOCKS" then by gods I'm yelling "BOLLOCKS."

I'm sexy and I know it.  Hawt is actually a better term.  Beautiful.  Majestic.  Yes, I have a "strong" nose.  Crooked front tooth.  I'm fluffy at best.  But my sexyness has so very little to do with my actual features, and EVERYTHING to to with my mental state and attitude.  I'm amazing because I believe I'm amazing.  And I am.  Call it charisma, inner light, whatever you want.  Maybe its just being comfortable in my own skin. But I've got it. And on that note...

I will wear what I want when I want to. Ill be honest, in my 20's i would not have ever worn leggings, but damn.  40 is all about the leggings.  Most comfortable thing on the planet. I love them.  Even jeans are becoming too binding anymore.  Plus by wearing leggings I don't have to change before yoga.  I'm already dressed!  I'm not dressing FOR anyone, and I'm sexy no matter what I wear, so why not dress the way I want to?

I am never going to be a size 4 (and probably not even 10).  I have been trying for over 20 years to loose 10-50 pounds.  I weigh more now than I have any other time in my life other than in the third trimester of pregnancy.  And honestly, I may never loose it.  OK.  I'm still healthy.  I eat real food, and as little of it is processed as I can.  And there's something that diet companies don't want you to know... food tastes good.  Its super yummy.  So as long as I'm healthy, who the fuck cares what size I am?  Not me.  Not my husband.  Or my kids. 

And so...

I'm not looking for outside approval.  No, not even yours.    I think turning 40 just made me more aware of who I am.  I truly appreciate who I am.  I am beautiful (see above), creative, talented, and amazing.   And it'd OK that I recognize these qualities in myself.  I doesn't seem to matter to me if no one else ever does.  My favorite quote is Coco Chanel "I don't care what you think of me, I don't think of you at all."  

Nothing on that list would have been possible even in my early 30's. 

But at 40, I'm down with it. 

Jealous

We got the DVDs for season seven of Big Bang Theory (no spoilers please, I won't be seeing season 8 until its out on DVD as well) and I've finished watching them.  I jealous.  Of Penny.  Not for the body or the hair, or even weirdly of Leonard, whom I find just... Yummy.  But because of her decision to quit her job and devote her life to her art. That takes guts. 

Not sure that I have those guts.  Well, I DO, I just have an even bigger streak of responsibility.  Maybe that makes me a bad artist.  Maybe I'm just not ready to commit yet or something.  I'd love to, don't get me wrong.  Its just that things are tight enough without taking away an income. 

Although quiting my job ala Penny is a particularly pleasant fantasy of mine.  Especially after days like today.  A body can only handle so much frustrated clenching. 

I guess that kind of begs the question...  Am i a bad artist because I won't quit a job I hate,  (am good at, do well, and am apparently suited for, admittedly.  Will never quit, certainly). (With the exception of winning the lottery, they would never see me again), in favor of keeping a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs?  Does it make me a bad mother and wife because I even consider it?  Or am I just bobing along like everyone else, waiting for some lightning strike? 

But I can commit to spend more time in the studio.  I'll try to carve out an hour or so a day.  Even if I don't get anything accomplished, its getting me into the routine.  Im going to also try to actually DO the Artist Way homework.  I lasted a week last time with the morning pages, but I never did any of the other exercises.  I can try to do that.  I'm also thinking of going one of my older stuff and gessoing over it to start over.  Some of my first works aren't really representative of what my style is evolving to.  I still have a couple blank canvases squirreled away, so I'm not at that point yet.  Just something that's been festering in the back of my mind. 

I'm not willing to make Mark very the financial burden.  I'm just not.  Its not fair to him, and were in this family together.  So until the lottery comes through for me or my paintings finally take off, I'm stuck here. It really not that bad a place to be as long as he's here with me.