it's ok to be selfish

in two months i will be 40.  less than two actually.  by a couple of days.  and while i don't think that the plan and it's preparations is part of some sort of mid life crisis thingy (or maybe it is, i don't know), i have been having a very "where is my life now and where do i want it to go" internal monologue.  sometimes my internal monologue has a brittish accent.  it's very sophisticated.  it's entirely possible that i am out classed by my internal monologue.*

i have lived most of my life, and all of my adult life, helping other people.  i have volunteered at charity functions.  i have fed those that couldn't feed themselves.  i have given time, and money, and the clothes off my back.  i have attempted to start my own charity when i saw people were falling through the cracks.  i've done 5k's in costume because it raised more money.  my current vocation is literally 100% about helping people, sometimes whether they want it or not.  i have given my free time to friends and family when they needed it, even when i had no time to think straight.  as a wife and mother i have given everything i have and everything i am to the three most important people in the universe.  

and i'm tired.

my job has apparently a high rate of PTSD, which i can see.  i've had the nightmares.  the reoccurring ones that wake you up covered in sweat.  i've heard the death rattle of a last breath for months every time i closed my eyes.  it wares on a person.  it can rub you raw if you let it.  so you build up walls.  and when that's chipped away you build another one.  sometimes it feels like there is an entire city inside, all abandoned walls and crumbling detritus.  

anyway.  

so i've decided that as a present to myself i'm going to be selfish.  unlimited taking time for myself, as often as i want.  starting now.  i'm buying a 30 day unlimited pass for the Bikram Yoga studio in town.  i start my first session tomorrow.  and when the 30 days is up, i'm buying a pass that lets me do a class a week.  i'm going to paint and sketch whatever i feel like whenever i feel like it.  i'm going to buy wonderful delicious healthy food.  i even already have a kale smoothie ready for tomorrow after yoga.  

i'm going to walk around with no shoes on as often as possible.  it's weird how AMAZING walking without shoes has made me feel, even in just the last couple of days.  earthing i think it's called.  i'm going to do it whenever i can.  

i'm going to take baths with Epsom salts and baking soda and essential oils.  i'm going to get herbs and candles and incense and be witchy when i want.  i'm going to do whatever i damn well please with my hair.  i'm going to spoil myself and my husband and my children if i'm able.  and as long as i keep on track with the plan, i'm going to buy high quality things that are going to last and that i love.  because fuckit i can. 

because it's ok to be selfish.  because it's not selfish.  it's self care.  and i am far to wonderful and amazing, and yes, goddsdamnit to OLD to do anything else.  

*totally stolen from Terry Pratchett when he described Foul Old Ron's smell.  i love Foul Old Ron's smell,  it goes to the opera**

** the * was also stolen from Terry Pratchett.  if you don't read him yet, you really should.  

i'm altering the deal

i don't think i can do the 4 pieces of clothing thing for the year.  i already forgot and bought a pair of shoes.  so i'm cut by half.  so that sucks.  so i am pretty sure i'm going to suck at it.  admittedly i still have 2 pieces left, but i'm pretty sure that's going to be taken up with the boots. (yes, i'm still thinking about the boots.  i love them so)  so i'm changing the challenge to say that if more than 4 pieces come in, something else has to go out.  i buy a new tshirt, an old tshirt has to go.  that's probably more doable.

we're also talking about changing up the plan.  instead of a boat, an RV.  to be honest, i like that idea better.  i'm not so sure about the whole boat thing.  apparently there are still pirates.  it's a thing.  and i like the idea of being able to pick up and go whenever we want to wherever we want.  and apparently boats require a lot of maintenance.  like a gawdawful amount.

i'm getting better with the hula hoop.  i can keep the hoop going for sometimes 15 seconds.  that's a personal best by the way.  i'm awesome.  yoga however is in a little bit of a stall.  my foot is still bothering me.  i've seen a podiatrist, and i'm working to get better.  i really like the podiatrist.  he's a very hippy dippy kind of guy.  sees a herbalist, says that walking around in bare feet is awesome.  "the way we're supposed to walk."  it's great.  because i hate shoes for all the time.  the boots don't count.  don't judge.

if i had my way no one would wear shoes any time but winter.  at most we'd have hand knit wool socks.  i prefer the yoga/dancing socks that have the toes and heels free.  i'm knitting myself another pair now between calls at work.  i love these socks.  i need twenty more pairs

so as soon as my foot feels better full time i think i'm going to get into a regular yoga class.  i really love how my body feels when i'm in a regular class.  i'm not sure my daily (or every other day) sun salutation/tree/triangle practice is cutting it.  i need something more.  something... structured.  maybe i'll look into private classes.  though i know i probably can't afford them.  just more things mulling over in my mind.  

hoops and downward dog

mark is on a motorcycle ride with my dad and their 'biker buddies'.  i still find it hilarious that my father and husband have biker buddies.  watching the news just makes me sad for the world we live in, so bam and i are playing video games, and in a little watching big bang theory until bed time.

to keep you updated (as i said i would), i suck at hula hooping.  don't get me wrong, i love it.  i'm just not good at it.  which is weird, because, all false modesty aside, i'm good at a lot of things.  kind of a jack of all trades girl.  i do practice though, nearly every day.  bam watches, and yells a big "YOU DID IT MOMMY" when the hoop stays up for more than two seconds.  which doesn't happen often.

yoga has become... problematic.  my foot has started to bring me a lot of pain.  and you'd be amazed how many yoga poses (read almost all of them) require you to put your weight on both feet equally.  i have an appointment to see a podiatrist on friday after work, and i'm hoping that i can at least get an answer as to what the problem is.  from someone who actually listens to me, and doesn't just try to throw pain killers at me.  i don't want pain killers, i want the problem fixed.  this is apparently not the norm in modern medicine.  and people wonder why i see my herbalist before a doctor.

couple my foot pain with my ancient lap top which i was playing my favorite yoga dvd on finally dying....  not a good mix.  mark however found one of his old lap tops that had a cracked screen and we're getting it fixed so i can use it.  i'm happy that we're fixing something that we already had, not so happy that we are forking over the money to get it done.  but it's still cheaper than getting a new one, so it all works out.  we can't live like monks right?

and i DID try doing yoga in a room other than my studio where i had access to an actual dvd player.  i didn't like it.  it felt disconnected.  i love my studio.  other than an actual yoga studio, it's my favorite place to practice.  next to the kitchen, it's my favorite place to be.

i've been thinking again in my head about going through yoga teacher training.  it's something i keep coming back too, even though i'm not sure i'll ever get to do it.  i have little enough time now, it would be halved or more if i took the course.  i'd end up trading away most of my days off, and hardly ever seeing my family.  not sure it's worth it.

perhaps i should give myself a little 'yoga retreat'.  i read an article about making your own yoga retreat while you're still doing everything in your life, ie work and kids.  basically you take like a class a day when you can fit it in between your other commitments.  it might be something to look into.  maybe treat myself for the birtha-versary.

yeah, i think i'll do that.  

back to the grindstone

today is the last day of this vacation.  it seems like it's the longest vacation ever, and the shortest one, all at the same time.  a lot of things got cleaned out.  from our house, from our lives, from our souls.  everything is lighter.  we went camping, we went to water slides.  we went through a lot of soul searching, and came out the other side stronger.

i started my yoga practice again, and i can already see the changes in myself.  i'm standing straighter, taller.  i'm carrying my weight better, and i'm more comfortable in it.  i love my body.  it's amazing.  yoga has helped give it curves where there should be and muscles where those go too.  the process of stripping down our lives to their bare minimum has opened up my yoga and meditation practice so much.  it has bloomed into something that i don't think i can live without.  a calming center to what used to be a huge ball of stress.

and i've ordered a hula hoop.  not the feather weight ring of plastic that you buy at wally, but a weighted, adult size hoop dancing ring.  in the internal story that plays in my head i'm going to be amazing at it the first time i try it and i'll have amazing hips and abs.  but i know the reality is that i'm going to fail a lot.  and apparently also get bruises and super sore muscles.  which i'm good with.  i know i'm going to suck at it for a while.  but i'm hoping that it's going to be a good compliment for my yoga.  because apparently my treadmill isn't an option for a while.  my foot needs to heal, but every single step is another injury.  a livable injury, but still an injury.  so i'll deal.  i love my treadmill, i love playing Zombies, Run! on it, but there's nothing saying i can't hoop away from zombies.

i'll let you know how well (or not) hooping goes.

i don't want to go back to work tomorrow.  i know, you're shocked.  but i think i'll be able to work there better now, knowing that there is an end date.  admittedly, it was the date i was going to retire anyway, but there is a path.  a plan.  a way out.

of course i'll still buy lottery tickets every once in a while.