in two months i will be 40. less than two actually. by a couple of days. and while i don't think that the plan and it's preparations is part of some sort of mid life crisis thingy (or maybe it is, i don't know), i have been having a very "where is my life now and where do i want it to go" internal monologue. sometimes my internal monologue has a brittish accent. it's very sophisticated. it's entirely possible that i am out classed by my internal monologue.*
i have lived most of my life, and all of my adult life, helping other people. i have volunteered at charity functions. i have fed those that couldn't feed themselves. i have given time, and money, and the clothes off my back. i have attempted to start my own charity when i saw people were falling through the cracks. i've done 5k's in costume because it raised more money. my current vocation is literally 100% about helping people, sometimes whether they want it or not. i have given my free time to friends and family when they needed it, even when i had no time to think straight. as a wife and mother i have given everything i have and everything i am to the three most important people in the universe.
and i'm tired.
my job has apparently a high rate of PTSD, which i can see. i've had the nightmares. the reoccurring ones that wake you up covered in sweat. i've heard the death rattle of a last breath for months every time i closed my eyes. it wares on a person. it can rub you raw if you let it. so you build up walls. and when that's chipped away you build another one. sometimes it feels like there is an entire city inside, all abandoned walls and crumbling detritus.
so i've decided that as a present to myself i'm going to be selfish. unlimited taking time for myself, as often as i want. starting now. i'm buying a 30 day unlimited pass for the Bikram Yoga studio in town. i start my first session tomorrow. and when the 30 days is up, i'm buying a pass that lets me do a class a week. i'm going to paint and sketch whatever i feel like whenever i feel like it. i'm going to buy wonderful delicious healthy food. i even already have a kale smoothie ready for tomorrow after yoga.
i'm going to walk around with no shoes on as often as possible. it's weird how AMAZING walking without shoes has made me feel, even in just the last couple of days. earthing i think it's called. i'm going to do it whenever i can.
i'm going to take baths with Epsom salts and baking soda and essential oils. i'm going to get herbs and candles and incense and be witchy when i want. i'm going to do whatever i damn well please with my hair. i'm going to spoil myself and my husband and my children if i'm able. and as long as i keep on track with the plan, i'm going to buy high quality things that are going to last and that i love. because fuckit i can.
because it's ok to be selfish. because it's not selfish. it's self care. and i am far to wonderful and amazing, and yes, goddsdamnit to OLD to do anything else.
*totally stolen from Terry Pratchett when he described Foul Old Ron's smell. i love Foul Old Ron's smell, it goes to the opera**
** the * was also stolen from Terry Pratchett. if you don't read him yet, you really should.